Reflections on the Way to Work

One morning on a crowded 5:55am train to Grand Central Terminal I was sitting in a four seater. The seats fold down because the area is for Special Needs – strollers, wheel chairs, etc. However, if the section is not being used for its intended purpose, the fold down seats can be used by passengers to sit.  Most mornings these sections are available for general seating.

 

Despite having new trains with improved seats, I find that the fold down seats to be the most comfortable seats on the train (this was true even of the old trains). The seats are firmer and sit straight up. While most passengers use these seats as a seat of last resource, I seek out these seats. As with most early morning passengers, we are creatures of habit and sit in the same seat. I am no different. I sit on the outside seat, riding backwards. If this seat is not available, I choose to stand.

 

Most mornings, despite it being a four seater, there are only two people occupying this foursome. The same man always sits opposite me, as do the two women who sit across the aisle in the other four seater. The man sleeps, one woman reads the New York Post and the other woman appears to be a primary school teacher that marks homework papers every morning. I always give up my seat for the elderly, pregnant, parent with a child or anyone else I think would need the seat more than me. For me, standing on the train is not a big deal and I do it often by choice.

 

On this particular morning the train was crowded and all seats were filling up quickly. The two seats opposite me in my foursome section were taken, however, the one seat on the inside next to me was vacant, perfectly good seat as this section has more than normal leg room, so no matter which seat you sit in this section, it is comfortable, at least from my perspective. As the train continues down the line picking up passengers a tall gentleman, nicely dressed, horn rimmed glasses, handsome in a distinguished way, salt and pepper hair, tan, thin, probably in his late 50s gets on the train. If you could stereotype a passenger he seems to be rather important, maybe a law firm partner or managing director at a financial services firm. In contrast to me, since I go to the gym, I am dressed in a t-shirt, leggings and I have a Shoprite reusable bag that I have stuffed with all my gym essentials, lunch, water, and whatever else I think is important for my survival to, during and from work. Given the contrast of my appearance relative to the morning business crowd one might even take me for being homeless because of the way I am dressed and carrying these overstuffed reusable bags. But most of the regulars and the conductors all know me and are friendly with me.

 

This gentleman I described above is someone I don’t recall seeing much on the train, however, he is obviously a regular. As he boards the train, he quickly assesses the seating situation, there is one seat taken opposite me with a regular, this gentleman’s friend takes the seat next to this man and opposite to me and it leaves one seat vacant next to me on the inside of the train. So he looks at me and says, “Do you mind scooting over” so I can sit here. He did not say please, there was nothing courteous in his request – in fact, he spoke with a sense of entitlement.  Normally, I probably would have done it but it was just the intonation and attitude with which he asked me to “scoot over” as if he was speaking to his child or a pet. As if he was more privileged to sit in this seat and I should give up my seat for him, as if I was a “nobody”. So I said, I am sorry but it is a little claustrophobic for me to sit on the inside seat, so no, I am sorry.   So he took the inside seat next to me, which, by the way he occupied 2/3rds of the seat.

 

I was now distracted the whole trip in thinking about what just transpired. The Catholic guilt kicked in, as well as the female mentality that I should have given my seat to an important businessman. On the one hand I felt bad and guilty that I didn’t give my seat or do as he asked and “scoot” over. But I was also incensed at how he asked me and how he thought he was more privileged than me, a woman, maybe even a homeless woman; a woman who might not be as “important” as he. All day it irked me. I thought if there was a businessman in that seat would he have asked him to “scoot” over or if there was a muscular construction man or man who is also a gym rat like myself, would he have asked him to “scoot” over. My guess is no. Despite feeling guilty, there was a part of me that was really proud that I stood up to him, as I am sure he is not accustomed to that.

 

Of course I am self-conscious so I look away while he gets off the train. The next day, he gets on the train, and the train is crowded so this time he chooses to stand. Next, day, less crowded, he sits in a row in front and now I have his name and phone number because he has it written on his I Pad cover. On this day, when he gets up to leave, he looks me in the eye and says good morning. Shocked. I return the greeting. Next day, the train is packed; even I don’t get a seat at my stop so I stand. He gets on and stands next to me and he says, “Hi”, as if we have been morning train buddies. So I say hello, he says, I use you as a gauge, if you are standing then that means the train is really crowded and I am not going to get a seat. Then there is a seat – opposite where I typically sit, on the end, but it was on the opposite side of where I like to sit so the seat didn’t interest. He says would you like to sit there, I said no, thank you and he proceeded to sit down on the seat facing sideways.

 

We have now become regular train greeting buddies. While I was surprised at how friendly he has become with me. We are so friendly now if we don’t see each other for a few days we comment about missing each other on the train.

 

I wonder if he too thought about our interchange that morning. I think it was a good lesson on many counts. First, don’t judge a person by the way they are dressed; second, treat all people equal, irrespective of their sex or stature in life; third, no one should have a sense of entitlement, every person pays a fare to be on the train and is entitled to the same and equal rights; fourth, be respectful and courteous to all.

 

Not really sure what, if any thought went through this man’s mind that morning. For me, it was definitely a business male executive vs. woman interchange. As a woman, I am reminded of two commercials Pantene made which have extremely powerful messages for both men and women. I will let the videos speak for themselves but as I reflected that morning on my interchange I was reminded of them and thought both videos were worth sharing. Click on the links below to view them. They are short, one minute each. Here are the links to the videos on YouTube: Video #1 – Not Sorry | #ShineStrong Pantene;

Video #2 – Labels Against Women | #ShineStrong Pantene

Whether you are a man or a woman, each of us needs to raise our awareness and consciousness of how we interact with each other.